Don’t Damn Me!

Irrepairable damage
waged within myself
still waging
out of my control
lays dormant for oh so long
only to be awakened by my own desires
my own dreams and ambitions
as soon as my eyes are opened
the world around me mocks
memories conflict with what i want
reality poisons that which i need
i sink into something i can’t see
something i can’t feel or understand
freefalling without a chance
it’s not a matter of strength
character or wisdom
if only it were that simple
if only i could train
learn to fight back
learn to be me
i don’t even know what i am
i have a vague recollection of what i once was
i know what i miss and what i’m glad to be rid of
they aren’t easily separated
par for the course
each and every action has an equal and opposite reaction
pull the string and see what happens
not knowing what’s at the other end
can’t change the rules
can’t throw out a fake smile when the prize isn’t what you wanted
can’t hide your pain when the prize is pain itself
self pity seems pointless
it takes hold, does it’s damage then waits for next time
i see it happen
i feel it’s grip
sometimes i care enough to say no
most of the time i just can’t be arsed
sometimes i enjoy it
a pain i can understand and feel like i could control
maybe i can, maybe i can’t
but the fact i think i could, gives me some power
better the devil you know, as they say