Don’t Damn Me!

Warning, this is a long post!

The first one didn’t go too bad, and pushed on by my own sense of greatness (or lack thereof), i’ve decided to be brave and tackle the big one, God.

• A little background

As you’ve probably garnered, either by reading my previous posts, or by knowing me, i was a born again Christian for over 5 years of my life. Between the ages of 18 and 23 and a bit. My faith was always strong within that time, until towards the very end of the run, where it withered and died as i struggled to keep one aspect (lust) of my life under wraps.

I was a very happy Christian, and looking back, even now as an Agnostic, i still see it as a very positive time in my life, where i learned a lot about being a human being as well as an adult. As can be seen by my constant presence in internet forums and blogs around the online world, defending, or at least pointing out the inequalities of anti-religious rants. It may also be apparent on this very blog, in my own postings.

By born again Christian (for want of a better term), i’m referring to the all-in approach, speaking in tongues, laying on of hands, miracles, etc. And in that time, i did some some pretty incredible stuff. Both in others and in myself. Most of which, i now reason, were the result of my own needs and wants, mixed with internal mental-phenomenon, which i can’t really explain and some things i can explain:

One of the weird things i used to experience was during prayer. Where i’d close my eyes, and usually lay in bed, praying out loud or silently, for upto an hour at a time, often unsure of what i’d say next and just letting the words come out, including the speaking in tongues. But while i was doing this i would often experience a strange floating, changing of colours in my closed-eye vision.

It was similar to the motion within a snow-globe, where you shake the item around and the snow and water inside find a steady motion, which continues after you’ve stopped moving, only the motion in my head was slower and even more steady. I didn’t feel a motion, i just saw colours, in large flowing shapes, which changed from one colour to the next, each colour feint and slowly flowing around in my head.

At the time, i thought this was great, like an experience with God. Thing is, i still get it, and it turns out it’s to do with my sinuses, as it seems to happen when my sinuses are playing up. It was clearly activated by whatever way i was closing my eyes while i was praying and the intensity i had at that time.

I had a lot of instances where i’d be feeling unwell, or down in spirits, and a fellow Christian would lay their hands on me and pray for whatever seemed necessary, often with the results being quick, and yet more proof for my belief and faith.

But looking back, they weren’t that amazing, and this is the real problem. If you already believe in something, anything else which you experience, only succeeds to back up that faith, the times where it didn’t work became issues about my not believing enough, or God having another plan. X + Y = Z, X – Y = Z, everything = Z.

• Becoming a Christian

I hadn’t really planned on including this, as it’s probably going to be quite a long write-up, but i suppose i can’t really discuss this subject without it. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible, both for the sake of my poor RSI-inflicted arms and for your (all 3 of you) poor eyes.

My first real experience of Christ and Christianity, apart from being forced to go to sunday school as a child, where i learned nothing and listened to even less, was on the night of my 18th birthday.

As a present, a rather ill-thought-out present, my mate at the time, another Paul, decided to buy me a tab of LSD (Acid), and slip it into my first legal drink, in our usual lunch time, turned into the rest of the afternoon, session at the pub around from college.

I realised something was wrong on the bus journey home, where i caught myself transfixed by the mirrored image on the window to the back of the driver, of cars behind us on the road. I never really thought much of it though and continued home.

Not too long after i’d got home, i was playing Joe Montanna II on the Sega Megadrive and something just flipped a switch inside me. I should point out, i’d taken LSD before, half a tab, and it was a rather regrettable experience, scared the shit out of me for a few hours, for which i drank lots of orange juice and waited for it to pass, as i knew it was a weak one.

I think i must have got the same feeling, although i didn’t really experience anything, my vision didn’t change, there were no freakish instances, i just panicked and immediately thought of my mate at college and his propensity towards drugs.

I didn’t know how many he’d used, how strong they were, i freaked further.

I decided, through extreme fear, to tell my Mother what was going on, and at that time she was Christian, sitting in the living room waiting for another woman from the church to pick her up for the Wednesday night prayer meeting.

My Mother freaked more than me, which really didn’t help, as i’m sure you can understand.

She phoned the doctor, and the doctor said to just wait it out, as the only thing they could really do was pump me, and the situation wasn’t really that serious, if it was just LSD. Hey, i was a Mother’s boy, so sue me.

So, i sat at the kitchen table, my body shaking and trembling like the bodies of those poor lads in the landing boats on Omaha Beach in Saving Private Ryan (I’m adding a little drama, go with it).

This woman, who was also a good friend of my Mothers, arrived and was informed of the situation, as an explanation for my Mother not going to the prayer meeting. Her immediate response was to see if she could help. I should add my Mum hadn’t been going to the church for long, and wasn’t totally sure of her faith, etc, this other woman was a full fledged Christian, who 110% believed in the miracles of the bible, and herself had seen many wonderful things, as well as being the person God had worked through, by laying on of hands, etc.

At that time i was a total metal-head, with my vast collection of rock music, from easy listening material like Bon Jovi, right through to the Satan worshipping bands like Deicide, Cancer and King Diamond. In fact, myself and another mate had often sat outside my house, on Sundays and Wednesdays, playing said bands loudly through my rather sexy Ghetto Blaster, for when my Mother was going to church, probably more for a reaction, rather than any real malice.

This woman, Margaret, asked how i was, but it was pretty evident, and i didn’t even need to answer, nor did i bother trying, the whole table was shaking, and my face was one of terror. She asked if she could pray for me, and although i didn’t believe one iota, in God or anything even remotely related, i said yes. My thoughts being, “It’s not like i have anything to lose”.

She poured some oil onto the palm of her hand, and rubbed them together, i later found out this was “anointing oil”, which was basically any oil you could find, but used for the laying on of hands. As soon as she put her hand on my forehead it felt really warm, which i put down to the fact that i was now shivering, as if i’d been left in the snow for 12 days, without any clothes, my teeth chattering like a klacker from 70s football matches.

As soon as her other hand was placed on the back of my head, she began to pray. I immediately felt something happen, it was like the warmth from her hands spread through my body, from where her hands were placed, down around my head, over my shoulders, into my arms, over my back and chest, down through every pore of my skin. I began to really relax. I couldn’t explain it.

All of my fear left, i just felt very relaxed and safe, i still can’t really explain it. I was a bit bemused, i didn’t know what the hell was going on, but i didn’t want it to stop. She stayed in my house that night, until a good while after midnight, when i’d finally fell asleep on the sofa.

I relied on her a great deal, in the following weeks, and she never let me down, she’d told me to call on her any time of the day or night, and quite selfishly, i did do. I kept getting, i guess you could call them flash-backs, but there was no hallucinating, it was more a twitch in my vision, or a hazing or fuzzing, little things like that, and immediately followed by panic attacks. Every time she prayed for me, i felt relaxed, protected and safe.

After a while, she had begun to explain the reason for these “attacks”, as demonic activity, oppression, not possession, i might add. I didn’t really believe it, nor did i want to face it, i just wanted my life back.

After another while, i realised there was no going back, i couldn’t just ignore what she’d been able to do, there had to be something to it, and if there was, then the stuff about the soul, hell, heaven, all had to be true too.

So i gave in, and kindly accepted salvation. I still had another 18 months or so, of dealing with the problem, it didn’t just go away when i got saved, which was a little disappointing, to be honest! But, over time, as i found my own feet in the faith, and learned to pray and strengthened my faith, i was able to pray and do spiritual battle myself, which meant i could get the same feeling myself, just by putting my hand on my head and praying. Great stuff.

So that gives you a little idea of why i became a Christian, and how it happened. Pretty impressive proof, i’d thought at the time.

• Now

As things stand now, and in light of the last year or so, from my Dad’s heart attack, and my own battle with stress, panic and terror of my own impending death, i’ve learned other ways of dealing with this fear-related problem i have.

I’ve learned that i can control my fear-reactions, with simple things like learning to think in a different way, seeing patterns and trying to change them, or at least realise them when they happen, and deal with them accordingly, rather than all out panic and lose sense of what is actually happening.

It’s not quite the same as that night at the kitchen table, with the very physical shaking and trembling and almost instant reaction of peace and safety, from the prayer and laying on of hands. But, it’s certainly along the same lines, when i’ve gone from having a pain in my left arm and actually feeling light headed, not to mention feeling my breathing change and my heart pound in my chest, convincing me of my heart attack, to feeling the same and even worse pains in my arm, and after a few seconds of slight worry, treating the incident for what it is, a pain in the arm. So the mind is clearly capable of convincing us of all sorts of things, should the thinking and/or circumstances be right.

For this reason, among others, i can now look back on most of what i experienced in that part of my life, and justify the events that took place, reasonably well, with logic and a slightly better understanding of myself and how my mind works.

• But, if, and other arguments

I guess the biggest and strongest argument against my current thinking, and the reason for me abandoning my past faith, is one of the Devil and all of his little Demons.

I won’t rule that out, it’s very possible. After all, my reasons for losing my faith, in all honesty, were partly to do with my not being able to cope with the duality of my life. On one hand serving the Lord, whole heartedly, and on the other hand (quite literally), masturbating my way through copious amounts of downloaded porn from the internet.

I battled with that for a reasonable length of time, probably a good 5 years of my time as a Christian, going from not seeing it as anything too bad, to finally facing facts and deciding to get rid of it. But i was never strong enough to do so, no matter how i prayed, fasted, and no matter how hard i tried to abstain from such things.

My actual reasons for losing my faith weren’t really so i could go and masturbate without guilt, because to be honest guilt was only a small part of the problem, i did believe in the forgiveness of Christ, and i knew that i could sin millions of times a day, and probably did, but he would still forgive me as long as i was putting in some effort and trying to be more Christ-like. I just think because the issue was one so bold, i felt it wasn’t good enough to just keep asking for forgiveness, and that i really should get rid of it. A bit like a murderer not really being able to be a Christian and continue murdering, some things weren’t just flaws or mistakes, and had to be binned.

I honestly think i lost my faith more because i was dismayed at God, i was pouring out my heart, praying, fasting, doing everything i could possibly think of, and he wasn’t helping me to kick this habit. A bit unfair perhaps, seeing as it was my own lust causing the problem, and i did think of that too. But i couldn’t keep the two sides together, and sooner or later, mostly later, i pulled back from the church and found more and more excuses, as i battled with myself on my own.

But, i realise this doesn’t change anything, from a Devil point of view, it’s still very possible that my own lust for what i wanted, lead to me giving up on Christ, so i could pursue my own desires.

• Paying the price

One little thing that irks me, at the back of my mind, and has done for quite some time, is how ironic it is that when in a dreaded relationship with my Ex, i went through a brief (although it didn’t feel that brief at the time) instance of thinking i had testicular cancer, after checking myself for the first time and finding a raised bump on each testicle. As part of that terror, and sheer all-out hell, i turned back to god within my own heart/mind. The usual, “if you make this ok, i’ll never turn my back on you again”.

I got the all clear, after the doctor sent me for a scan, and not long after i’d ditched God and was back to my life. One of my reasons, probably being because i was having sex outside of marriage, with my Ex. Which in all honesty i didn’t see as a bad thing. And i’m really not sure how big of a part that played in my judgement, but it certainly did play a part, however small.

Not long after, the relationship turned to shit. After a honeymoon period of about 12-14 months. Circumstances did change, my ex found out she had early menopause, and it brought out some emotional issues from her childhood, etc, so there’s certainly other explanations there, but i’ve always had a small annoying feeling like it was some type of punishment. Made weirder by the fact that i don’t actually believe in God.

My Christian walk wouldn’t even have allowed for such thinking anyway, as it really wasn’t one of “If you don’t do this that way, God will kick your ass”, it was more a case of God loves you, and it’s your decision whether you take that love or turn your back on it. But, of course, not having God in your life, meant you were vulnerable to attacks from the Devil, so a bit like God having to take his hand from you, and the Devil taking advantage of your vulnerability, etc. Who knows. I can’t change it anyway. So Be It.

• Science and other religions

I’ve always been into science, but never really that knowledgeable or pushed to delve deeper than a certain level, maybe because i’m not smart enough, or maybe because i prefer to have some supernatural things going on in the world, without reducing them to quantum particles and clever, complicated theorems.

I went through a phase in my life a few years ago, where i was desperate for something to believe in, i felt alone, empty, worthless and to be honest i feared that my fear of life would outgrow my fear of death.

I read all sort of things, Wicca, Satanic Bible, Stephen Hawking (audio books and written), copious amounts of online articles, blog posts, written works and video interviews with all sorts of gurus and people with very “out there” ideas, including the likes of David Icke, and posts on various forums like Fortean Times.

The one thing which really struck me was how similar it all was, yet each person pushing their point of view was obsessed by the idea that their way of thinking was very unique, the true answer and how they were offering people something different and better than organized religion.

Even the Satanic bible, supposedly about letting out the inner flesh, and being yourself, regardless of any rules and shit pumped out by the churches, was actually more about being yourself IF it fits in with OUR way of thinking. Sure be yourself, dude, let’s raise hell! What’s that? You WANT to be a Christian? No way, you’re not doing it right, you SHOULD be thinking this way…

Same goes for pretty much every other belief i looked into. Everyone is real big on claiming they offer freedom, a way of releasing you from the shackles of the old ways, but once you scrape away the surface you see that what they’re actually offering is to take away the shackles of the past and replace them with bright, shiny new shackles, that fit just as tightly and give you the same false sense of security and promises of happiness and spiritual reward.

And should you dare to disagree with their teachings, suddenly you’re not so great. Gone are the proclamations of how unique you are and how you should hold onto that, and in come the statements like, “well, the reason you don’t see it this way, is because you’re still caught up in this and that”, or “it takes time to understand things our way, you’ll see”, or my personal favourite, “it’s a conspiracy”.

I’m sure most of it is done without malice, it’s merely a defensive tactic, no-one wants to have their way of life questioned, if it brings them comfort and understanding of the world around them, but it just irked (i think irk is my new favourite word) me, that they all promised one thing, and put down another thing, only to act exactly the same as the thing they downed so much. It’s hypocrisy to the Nth degree.

Even theoretical scientists do the same, with it’s promising equations, fanciful explanations and diagrams, named after the person to come up with the ideas, but at the end of the day just as much based on faith as any religion they might berate.

I should point out, not all scientists, new agers, religious people, are guilty of this, but certainly the ones who sing loudest from the rooftops are. The ones more derogatory, in nature, against other religions and beliefs, are certainly guilty.

i have no problem with people who believe 110% in whatever it is they believe in, but once they start berating others for doing the same thing as they themselves, they are hypocrites. Regardless of whether they understand this or not.

• People are people are people

One thing i really learned, in my search for truth and enlightenment, was that you can’t fairly judge a system, be it of belief or anything else, based upon it’s followers.

People screw up, they make mistakes, they get overtaken by things like greed, pride, and losing sight of the ball.

I was pretty lucky in my time as a Christian, i can honestly say the church i went to was full of really nice, decent people. There were arguments and the odd clique, evidence of pride and selfishness, as to be expected in any grouping of people, but i never once felt bullied, or forced into anything, i was given space to find my own way, but also only a phone call away from someone should i need a hand, or a word of encouragement. I realise not everyone is this lucky, and some groups of people are better than others, maybe even better one day, worse the next. People change, they have good days and bad, and everything around them changes accordingly.

This is what now convinces me that belief system isn’t the real issue, unless of course there actually is a constant truth, which isn’t dependent upon our belief and collective thoughts, to make it real. If there really is a God, and heaven and hell are real concepts, with salvation being the key to where you end up, then all bets are off and we’re screwed unless we do things the right way.

But, for now, the way i see it, it’s all about people. There are good people and bad, mixed amongst the various colours, creeds, sexualities, religions, belief systems, nationalities, etc. And even those people who are deemed good or bad, have the ability to be the opposite, like mentioned above, they have good days and bad, they have people they dislike and people they love. Even Hitler loved Eva Braum, regardless of the suffering he delivered upon the heads of millions of Jews, Black people, physically and mentally disabled, etc, he still loved someone, and was most likely capable of loving actions toward her.

• Conclusions

I currently don’t really have any belief, in a religious or spiritual sense. I’m still searching, although not actively. I’m open to new ideas, and i’ll argue and discuss the point to infinitum, until i’m sure of the facts, or find some sort of conviction. After all, if a belief can’t be argued against, and withstand the barrage, it can’t be that strong in the first place.

I don’t believe in a deity, a God or even any cosmic knowledge or wisdom. I don’t even believe in things like karma and poetic justice. I don’t believe in fate, kismet or true love of the highest order.

As if to mock myself though, i do secretly (or not so secretly) hope there is something, i hope that one day i’ll wake up and be astonished to find the truth i’ve been looking for, the comfort, the enveloping arms of love, acceptance and peace that i once had, either in the same place i left it, or somewhere new. i don’t even see that as a weakness, because anyone who can honestly sit around and say “you pussy, live your life and take what you can get”, clearly hasn’t experienced the awe-inspiring feeling of true faith and dedication to a belief.

So, as it stands, i’m agnostic, i don’t really see anything worth believing in, but i’m not arrogant enough to think i have all the answers, or that my opinion is the only truth, and i actually hope that i’m wrong. I guess i’m waiting for the day where someone will show me the error of my ways, give me an argument that stands up against my own. Someone who’ll have a truth worth listening to, that stands up under scrutiny, and can’t be ignored.

Either that, or i’ll start up my own religion. Although, on second thoughts, that’s way too much responsibility and hard work. I’ll just go back to living under the rock of my perception, reaching out every now and then to snack on the morsels of possibilities found in the rantings of fellow interneters (is that a word?), and lending my own bitter, twisted view of the world around me, to their writings, as if to make my mark on the world of philosophy without any real understanding or qualification.