Don’t Damn Me!

• The Walk

I’m not long back from my second walk of the day, which as always meant my walking around my faithful route, MP3 player on, volume up to MAX and heartrate picking up with each step.

About two thirds of the way through the walk, i make my way through a wooded area, lots of trees, grass and a path that leads through to the estate i live in.

Pretty much every day, twice a day now, while doing this walk, i see Magpies. And, every day, without fail, i go through my Magpie routine; if i see one, i look around for more, if there’s none to be found, i ignore the first one. If i see more than one, i quote the verse, relevant to the number i’ve seen.

• Magpies

One for sorrow, two for joy;
Three for a girl, four for a boy;
Five for silver, six for gold;
Seven for a secret, never to be told;
Eight for a wish, nine for a kiss;
Ten for a bird that’s best to miss.

One for sorrow, two for mirth,
Three for a wedding, four for a birth,
Five for silver, six for gold,
Seven for a secret not to be told.
Eight for heaven, nine for hell,
And ten for the devil’s own sel’.

I actually googled for the verse, to save me typing it out, because i’m lazy. I only actually knew the first version, and even then i thought it only went up to 7. So you learn something new every day, indeed.

Anyway, back to the story.

• Superstition against all reason

It got me to thinking, about superstition at first. Even as a Christian i always had this feeling of Magpies meaning something. Even though as a Christian i couldn’t really say the verse, or be afraid of superstitions. It didn’t seem right in my mind, yet, i got around that by quoting scripture, praying or even just thinking to myself “God Bless”.

There’s absolutely no reason behind it, and in all honesty as i sit here typing, i have no idea where the superstition for magpies comes from.

Stranger still, i don’t even really believe that if i see two magpies, i’ll suddenly be blessed with joy. I think i’m just playing safe, just in case there’s something to it.

When i was younger i would have actively sought out another bird for long periods of time, having seen one, just so that i wasn’t lumbered with sorrow. So i guess i did somewhat believe back then, at least for a while. Thankfully now, i only really look half-heartedly, not really bothered as to whether i see more, but slightly happier if i do.

So this belief has stayed with me for a large percentage of my life, through my younger years of ignorant bliss, not really caring about faith and truth, through my anarchic and somewhat anti-Christian teenage years, continuing through my Christian years and again through my agnostic recent years. Through thick and thin, the magpie has been having a say in my subconscious.

• Not just magpies

Upon further thinking (while walking and listening to Metallica), i realised it’s not the only aspect of my life and beliefs that doesn’t make sense.

Like most people, when the chips are down and i’m in dire need of help, i try to turn to things, out of pure desperation, for a helping hand, or even just a hope.

I remembered how a few years ago, my middle Brother got himself into some trouble with another lad linked to the paramilitaries. It was pretty worrisome at the time, for the whole family, especially my Brother himself.

My Mother took it upon herself to get it resolved, and spoke to a few people. In that time, for some entirely unknown reason, i made a deal with someone, something, i don’t even think i knew what it was. I didn’t pray, or call out for help, or even concentrate on where help could come from, i just made a deal, probably with myself, that the situation would be ok if i didn’t masturbate until it was over.

Let me point out, i don’t see masturbation as a bad thing, in fact, for someone who hasn’t had sexual contact with another human being for quite a few years, it’s not only OK, but bloody essential!

My reasoning at the time was more of sacrifice, giving up on something i liked doing, for some sort of global reward. There was absolutley no belief behind it, no God-figure, no thought of karma or justice. It’s just something my mind conjured up, for peace of mind, i guess.

As it turned out, the situation was dealt with swiftly and easily. I never even fooled myself into thinking that my sacrifice had been the reason, i knew it was merely a silly little thing i’d put my faith in, to make it easier.

• Christian remnants

Another strange occurance in my thoughts and life, is the remnants left behind by my faith in Christianity.

For example, although i have no problem with being a sinner, and doing sinful things, realising that if the Bible is real, i won’t be getting into heaven and instead will be spending my time getting buggered by pitch-fork weilding imps, once dead, i couldn’t bring myself to blaspheme the Holy Spirit. Nor, in all honesty, would i or could i, bring myself to bad mouth Jesus.

Speaking badly of Jesus, may be more reasoned, than just a quirk, as i genuinely don’t feel any bad feelings toward my time as a Christian, in fact i enjoyed it immensely and will always look back on it with a smile, and perhaps a disappointment that i can’t have it back. So i don’t really feel that Jesus deserves to be bad mouthed, if he’s real.

Blaspheming the Holy Spirit though, is all about the Bible claiming this act is unforgiveable. Most sins, according to the bible are just sins, someone who steals is no more guilty than the man who murders 20 children and eats them for his tea. But, blaspheming the Holy Spirit is said to be beyond repentance, something that just can’t be forgiven, ever.

Thing is, i don’t believe in God, i don’t believe the bible is the true word of God, i don’t believe in heaven or hell. So why the hell do i fear blaspheming the Holy Spirit? Again, i’m playing on the side of caution. It doesn’t really have an effect on my life, it’s not like i’d go about doing it anyway, again i have no reason to, but i know the thought is there in the back of my mind, careful, make sure you don’t do that.

• Christian Remnants 2

Another little thing that irks me in the back of my head, and something that i’ve mentioned before in my posts, is the fact that when i was with my Ex, and going through a cancer scare, i turned back to God, briefly. I begged for help, made a deal that if i didn’t have cancer, or he took it away, i’d never turn my back on Him again. Then, once i got the all clear, i swiftly reneged on the deal.

My relationship with my Ex turned pretty sour, not long after this, and finally led to a personal catastrphe which destroyed my every belief, hope and understanding of life and people, as well as squashing my every dream, smile and hope (Mmm, gotta love the drama).

I’ve often looked back at that moment and wondered if my turning my back on God, was the catalyst. Which is weird really, when i don’t actually believe in a God.

I don’t even spend an awful lot of time on it, maybe a few minutes here and there, scattered amongst the years, but enough to make it worth mentioning.

As i sit here typing, i don’t really believe God had anything to do with what happened with my ex, it was more about her being a mentalist and me being naive, submissive, weak and deluded by the promise of romance, love and all things nice.

Conclusion

I don’t really have a conclusion on this, it’s just me thinking out aloud, writing about something i thought about and not really any clearer as to why i do these things.

The human mind is a wonderful thing, which of course can be used for good and bad, both in relation to others and yourself.

War the quirks of my mind.