Don’t Damn Me!

Stacey asked me an interesting question in a comment for another post and i thought the best way to answer it would be via a post, where i can cover the subject more widely and thus give a more complete answer.

• The Question

..You never really said in this blog post, but do you have a rational grounds for rejecting Christianity? We could start with that. ..

• The rationale of my rejecting Christianity

• Need

When i think back to my Christian life, i don’t think i ever really had the thought “Damn, it can’t be real.” There were a lot of little things that niggled me, most of which occured to me in the last year or so, probably because i was more comfortable in general.

I’d pretty much gotten rid of the issue that pushed me to Christianity in the first place, i was no longer suffering panic attacks or in need of my faith, i guess.

I think need plays a big part of any belief or faith.

People who are completely happy in their lives, have everything they want and need, don’t really tend to turn to religion, unless part of their happy life falls apart and they’re left flailing for hope and/or answers.

I can’t speak for every church or every person, but certainly in my experience, most people within Christianity, that i knew, came from one of two factions:

1. Either they grew up in a Christian household and continued in what they’d always known.
2. They’d had problems in their life and at one point hit a low which left them needing to make a leap of faith, or end up in a whole world of crap.

A lot of Christian’s testimoney’s are usually quite sobering, stories of abuse, alcoholism, drugs, imprisonment, violence, to name but a few. Or, like in my own case, something happens in their life which they can’t deal with on their own, and they turn to anything which will make it go away, or at least promises it can. The same, in my opinion, is true of most belief systems.

• Rationality of Belief

My rationale in my belief, was one of not understanding what was going on. I was faced with something i’d never believed before, nor even wanted to (Not even as a child), but that night when i sat in terror, gripping the kitchen table with my shaking body, a woman laid her hands on me and i found peace, i became calm and i couldn’t explain it, at least not rationally.

I didn’t suddenly believe Christianity was real that night, nor did i even think about the consequences of what had happened, as far as i was concerned i hoped i’d get through the night, wake up the next day and get back to my life. Of course i continued to have the symptoms, and so i still needed this womans help, again i say the womans help, because at that point i wasn’t even really considering where the power came from, i just knew it as something from her hands, what she believed it was, didn’t matter to me.

My rationale at that point was purely one of “What the hell is going on?” As it continued i was also thinking about why i was the unlucky bugger getting flash backs, weeks later, from an acid tab, something i’d never heard of before, certanly not without prolonged use.

• A little more background

I even ended up at the Doctors, and they said it was just psychological, panic attacks, my fear of it happening was making me believe it was, etc. So i certainly didn’t really believe the whole “It’s the Devil” argument.

As the woman and a few other people from the church continued to witness to me, and luckily, to my mate too, as he came along for the ride purely because he fancied this womans daughter, i started to take things in, and consider some of the consequences of what had happened, how this woman was able to help me, and if it was true, what other things might also be true.

There was a little fire and brimstone, but not a great deal.

I remember one time where myself and a mate had gone around to this womans house, upon invitation, and were set upon by a few people from the church, asking questions and pointing out the life or death decisions involved in the whole thing. The fact that just going around there and listening wasn’t good enough, and that if we wanted to avoid hell we’d have to make a commitment to God, Ie. Get saved. It wasn’t done in a bad way, but it was a bit eye-opening and made both of us think.

Even now, looking back i think they did the right thing, myself and the friend were relying on the comfort of the current situation, it was something new, sounded a bit cool, the idea of a real God, healing, happy clappy brigade, rather than the usual 70 year olds sitting in an old church building trying to look like their clothes cost more than the persons next to them, religion we’d both known before. The talk that afternoon made us take it seriously, see that it wasn’t just something we could sit on the sidelines of.

So, my rationality for accepting Christ, wasn’t really a breakthrough moment, it wasn’t a Saul on the donkey, moment. It was a slow, steady thought process, with a lot of my own needs thrown in, fears of what i was going through in life and the possibility that Christianity offered me a way out of that, as well as some other great stuff like love, etc.

I became friends with a few of the younger people from the church, playing guitar with them, playing football, etc, getting to see they were actually into the same things as me, and not the stereotypical Christians i’d been used to seeing.

Sooner or later, i came to the thinking that i couldn’t explain the results of that womans prayers, outside of what she said they were. I couldn’t find any other way of making sense of it. It’s a bit like someone not believing in ghosts, then changing their mind after seeing one. I just couldn’t ignore or deny what i’d seen/felt/experienced. So i got saved, it seemed the right thing to do, if i believed, i would become a believer. Even at that point, my actual belief was probably not much over 50%, i was just more sure that it was real, than i was of it not being real. Which was enough for me.

• Rationality of disbelief through a Christian’s eyes

My losing faith was much the same as my gaining it. It wasn’t a moment where i suddenly didn’t believe, or something happening that made me see i’d been wrong. It was more a process of slowly finding more niggles, more things that didn’t quite make sense, and finding it harder to find ways of explaining them.

There was also the issue that i was failing, or at least failing in one aspect of my Christian walk. I couldn’t let go of lust. This did cause me problems, not because of anyone else, because i didn’t discuss it with anyone else, apart from one Christian friend who i discussed it with via emails.

This played on my mind a lot, and i really struggled with the fact i couldn’t let go of it, i think it was partly the reason i lost some of my faith in the first place, because i prayed, i fasted, i tried with all my might, but still it controlled me. I tried to reason with myself, that maybe it was OK, but i just couldn’t. So it was a rock or a hard place.

I think i did start to doubt God in that, wondering why he wasn’t helping me, and shifting between that feeling and thinking it wasn’t his fault, but mine, and that i was trying to blame him to let myself off the responsibility.

It certainly didn’t push me away, as i always knew i would be forgiven, and i was genuinely repentant, every time, i 100% intended to be free. Then i’d end up masturbating again, and the circle would begin again.

This was always in the back of my head, and it did eat at me. It probably made it easier for me to see more niggles, more flaws, more inconsistencies in the bible, etc. I even realised that this itself could well be me looking for a way out, because i didn’t want to be a failure. If God wasn’t real, i wouldn’t be doing anything wrong, that only served to strengthen my resolve, and i kept trying. To no avail.

Because of my problems, i was spending less and less time around Christians, going to church less often.

This in itself is a topic i want to cover in it’s own post, my need to separate myself from everyone, when things turn crap, which really always leads to making things worse!

Things just seemed to pitter out, i found it harder to let some issues go, some flaws and inconstencies stuck in my mind, i tried to find answers but couldn’t. I lost interest, pulled back, took a break i guess. I would even go a month without church, then go one night and feel renewed, like everything was gonna be OK again, and end up at square one again after a few days when the lure of lust was too much to resist.

Then, at some point, i found myself not believing. I’m not sure how it happened, but it obviously dwindled to a point where there was nothing left. I always reasoned that i’d come back to it, probably for a year or two after, always thinking somehow i’d get back to it, because it was right for me and that i just needed a break, or to sort myself out.

• Rationality of disbelief now

As i am now, i probably have more reason behind my lack of faith, or faith in nothing. I look back at a lot of things that happened in that part of my life, and i see what my mental state was. I was in dire need, for anything that could help me.

I know now, that the human mind is a great thing, and in the same way that a crying child can be soothed by a bounce on it’s Mothers knee, or a seven year old boys tears can be stopped with a Mothers kiss to the grazed knee, makes a lot of sense to me, in regards of the prayers of this woman and how i was instantly soothed. I was so in need of soothing, that i can totally see how i would have latched onto this supernatural event, and justified it in my mind to the point where i didn’t feel afraid anymore.

Other parts of my Christian life could be explained too. One of which i’ve mentioned before, where i had strange colours and shapes in my vision, with my eyes closed, praying. Which turned out to be a result of my sinuses.

I was on the receiving end of a few healings, but they were never anything serious, and in some instances they were over a longish period of time, and could be put down to natural healing, over time. What was left could well have been psychological, or luck, and again i’ve seen myself recover from things outisde of Christianity, in similar ways, without anything to thank for it.

The main thing i would always find hard to explain, was the joy i felt, the contentment, the emotion, they all felt very real. But looking back now, as a non-Christian, i can totally understand them. I was happy, i had something to be happy about, regardless of whether it was real, i had God in my heart and if he was for me then no-one could be against me. If that doesn’t make you feel joy, peace, protection, and raise a tear every now and then, you aren’t human.

All these things at one time, seemed supernatural to me, but now, looking back i can see how the truth may have been different to how i saw it back then. I’m not saying it is different, i really don’t know, but it seems different and i have too many arguments against the idea of a God, Jesus, the Bible, to be able to believe now. Too many inconsistencies in the bible, too many real and rational reasons for people to feel the way they do, without a need for God in the argument.

I have a friend with his own blog, who pretty much inspired me to try running yet another website, and one of the things he’s been doing is Psychokenesis, moving objects with the power of his mind.

He made videos of himself sitting in front of a chunk of eraser, a tooth pick and a little flat paper cone resting on the tip of the toothpick. The paper moving without any touch.

My argument for this was that there other possibilities as to why it’s moving, indeed my own experiment had moved the paper too, without me actually trying to, because of air flow, heat, whatever. My point was that it may well be possible to do it with the power of your mind, but if it’s possible without that power, ie. through thermodynamics, then why is there a need to find a more exciting reason?

I feel that way about Christianity. Yes it could well have been real, and God might well be what i once thought him to be, but a lot of what i experienced at that time can be achieved without God, so maybe, just maybe, the key isn’t God, but rather a Human sometihng (for lack of a word).

A person with bi-polar disorder can leap between utter depression and sheer delight for no reason other than physicalities of the mind. So it’s certainly possible that my own religious ecstacy was something physical, mental, rather than spiritual and God-given.

As i mentioned above, a child can stop crying in seconds, after a touch from their Mother, even though the pain they were feeling was the worst thing ever (in their reasoning). So it’s no surprise i was able to achieve that purely through the belief of a God who could heal me.

• Conclusion

Rather than me finding rationality in my disbelief, i think i’ve found rationality in other explanations for things i once thought to be supernatural.

So, rather than finding faith that there’s no God, i’ve decided that the things i once experienced through God, can be experienced without him, so they weren’t proof of anything, nor do they make an argument for his existence. And that even believing in a God, regardless of which one, can bring on the feelings i once had. The deity itself unimportant, as long as there’s scope for a touch of supernatural.

I know this isn’t really a conclusive answer, and it spirals all over the place, but that’s my thought processes for you. It should at least be enough to get the ball rolling and maybe a little more sense can be made of the ensuing comments. I hope.