The Dentist (Creative piece)
February 5, 2009
The small plastic chair I’m seated on is uncomfortable, unsteady and situated too close to the surgery. The sound of drilling fills my eardrums. Even over the sound of my MP3 player, on which I can’t find a single song I want to listen to. My mind is already occupied with thoughts of painful prodding, pushing and pulling, not to mention the dreaded drill and the destruction it will cause. My stomach is lurching and my heart beating violently in my chest, like the drums of a cannibalistic tribe in an old Tarzan film.
It was still early in the morning, and as I made my way to the building, I walked slowly, as if trying to prolong the inevitable. I wasn’t fooled though and my body fought back with a quickened pulse and a tightening of my airways. I was expecting it. The air around me was cold, but I couldn’t feel it as my core temperature rose, forming a line of sweat across my brow. My breathing formed a thick mist in the air in front of me, like the fog that often gathered at haunted castles in any given Hammer Horror production. Read the rest of this entry »
Better The Devil You Know…
February 5, 2009
Irrepairable damage
waged within myself
still waging
out of my control
lays dormant for oh so long
only to be awakened by my own desires
my own dreams and ambitions Read the rest of this entry »
No Longer. (update of It’s a Shame)
February 5, 2009
A taste so sweet: unmatched.
A sight so divine: a real catch.
A feeling so deep: strong.
Shame it didn’t last; Not for long.
26-06-08 – New Delusion
February 5, 2009
there ain’t no karma to take away the pain
no cosmic power to justify restrain
do unto others, what you wish done to you
a nice little lullabye
something to help children sleep at night
disempower the boogie man
delusion for the win
delusion can’t last forever
and sooner or later it’s not enough
sooner or later there needs to be answers
not neat little answers to make it all ok
dark, terrifying answers
which bring actions just as bad
it’s right to fear them
there’s no going back once you give into them
there’s no saying sorry, not even regret
afterall they’re justified
justice itself comes at a price though
one i’m not ready for
maybe i’ll never be ready
maybe it’s the new delusion
but it suits for now
the pieces fit
it doesn’t bring peace
it doesn’t fill the gap
but it gives promise
a glimmer of hope
ineloquent hope
but hope all the same
26-06-08 – Learn to Live
February 5, 2009
it all started with a kiss
based upon a lie
smitten in an instant
taken by the promise of everything i’d dreamed of
dreams i knew would never come true
taken captive by them when they did
i wasn’t ready
i wasn’t prepared
like shooting fish in a barrel
take what you want, give a little in return
make it look good
say enough to make it feel real
meet your needs while denying mine
make me feel guilty for even having any
always the perfect excuse to fall back on
insecurity
past pains
woe is you and fuck me
the way it was always meant to be
a relationship based on need
nothing less, nothing more
it’s days numbered from the start
no real meaning
no real desire
just an inkling
the merest hint
to keep things rolling along
to keep the dream ‘real’
it’s easy to fall for when you have nothing to compare it to
i guess you got what you wanted
got what you needed
then your needs got greater
time to move on
time to move up
leave behind what was and find what will be
not that easy for the one left behind
still clinging to the dream
unable to see anything else
wanting only things that can’t be
needing something that probably never was
it’s a fucked up place to be
it needs fucked up reasoning to get out of
i’m not even sure there is a get out
maybe there doesn’t need to be
maybe we never get out of the past
just learn to live with it
learn to live around it
learn to live in spite of it
learn to live
26-06-08 – Justification
February 5, 2009
It would be so easy to justify any outcome
any outcome that may or may not be right
may or may not help
the mind is a powerful thing
but through pain
through time
through understanding of yourself
you find ways to trick it
find ways to believe in the face of no evidence
ways to see, to help dampen the pain
ways to be, to help bring strength and survival
it would be so easy to just go for glory
mete out punishment on all who deserve it
mete out retribution on those who have wronged
everything comes at a price, though
it would be a big sacrifice
one i’m not quite ready to pay, yet
one day, i’m sure, one day
it’ll be so easy
and so right
justice served
everything made right
one day, i’m sure, one day.
24-06-08 – Time is a Healer
February 5, 2009
they say time is a great healer
they lie through their arses
tell you what you wanna hear
even when you don’t know it’s what you want to hear
even when you don’t believe it
even when you don’t like it
years pass
images still burn
thoughts still churn
heart still sinks
mind still flails
the burden of being alive
the burden of forgiveness, incomplete
no real answers
no easy fix
start it all again
it’ll just take time
one day, some way, one day
like a virus, replicating itself
realization, truth, repeat
18-06-08 – Innocence Dying
February 5, 2009
his innocence lays broken at the side of the road
regretful of choices made
spent so much time trying to help everyone else
that he didn’t realise it was him who needed helping
until it was all too late
now as he lies in a puddle of his own blood
he can’t help but feel he missed out
maybe if he’d known the rules
maybe if he’d understood the game
maybe if he’d stopped to watch and listen to himself
or at least stopped long enough to appreciate himself
and give himself worth, respect
maybe then he wouldn’t have let her dominate
maybe then he wouldn’t have let her hold the reigns
maybe, just maybe, things would have been different
regrets, i’ve had a few, too fucking many to mention
time for a new start
your death won’t be the end
it’s the beginning
the beginning of something new
something real
something that’s meant to be
the birth of me
18-06-08 – Crutch
February 5, 2009
everyone needs a crutch
sometihng to rely on
something to cling to in the early hours
be it a bottle of vodka
a bag of powder
the love of your life
or a delusional hope that everything will be ok
i have my own crutch
something i rely on
the world isn’t a fairytale
there are no happy answers
everything won’t be ok tomorrow
after a good nights sleep or after time has healed the pain
hurt remains forever
no matter how much you push it away
stamp it down with promises of what might be
it’ll always be there, ready to pounce
it’s easy to feel strong when life is good
it’s easy to feel good when you feel strong
the real test comes when things aren’t going to plan
it’s in those times the hurt raises it’s ugly head
pulls you back down, stamps on you
fearing those moments and dreading their power
that’s not strength
hiding the fear with delusions of self
that’s not a crutch you can rely on
avoiding the truth only hurts more
every time you fall
facing the pain still hurts
but it brings acceptance
acceptance stems the flow
it’s not a magic potion that makes the pain go away
but it lessens it’s effects
like a painkiller doesn’t kill the tumour
it dampens the senses to the pain the tumour causes
that’s my crutch
my senses are dampened
i know life can be cruel
i know people can’t be relied on
i know i can’t even rely on myself
i know there are no pretty answers that make everything ok
i know there’s no such thing as karma
i know the war is over and the good guys lost
but every day i wake up, i care less
i find what i need to be ok, today
if i don’t find it today, i try again tomorrow
some days it works, some days it doesn’t
but it’s real
i don’t have to fear tomorrow
i don’t have to fear myself
acceptance is my crutch
23-05-08 – Romeo & Juliet
February 5, 2009
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou promises
the ideals you embody, romance, purity of love
was it all some little story based on nothing more than imagination?
did mankind ever possess the tools to make it real
or are we all too selfish
needy and unfulfilled
are we too damaged from trying so hard to find it
each time losing a part of ourselves
each time moving further and further away from our goals
our hearts desire, our dreams
does anyone really have a chance of finding it?
experience brings pain, barriers
the innocent become fodder
innocence lost to someone stronger, wiser
who was once innocent themselves
if the blind led the blind it might work
both filled with naivity, hope
no cynicism to dirty the waters
no suspicions to distort the beauty
no fear to infect all that is right
could it really work?
probably not
it’s easier to be a cynic when the world around you begs for it
it’s easier to be suspicous when the people around you require it
it’s easier to fear when you’re very survival depends on it
sooner or later these things possess us
eating at everything in their way
like a hungry cancer, difficult to treat
sooner or later
hope is a memory
a nice one, but not very relevant
something to dream about, before your logic catches up
remind yourself how joy felt
before reality and fact get in the way
Juliet, Juliet, dead but not forgotten
well not always.
