Better The Devil You Know…
February 5, 2009
Irrepairable damage
waged within myself
still waging
out of my control
lays dormant for oh so long
only to be awakened by my own desires
my own dreams and ambitions Read the rest of this entry »
No Longer. (update of It’s a Shame)
February 5, 2009
A taste so sweet: unmatched.
A sight so divine: a real catch.
A feeling so deep: strong.
Shame it didn’t last; Not for long.
26-06-08 – New Delusion
February 5, 2009
there ain’t no karma to take away the pain
no cosmic power to justify restrain
do unto others, what you wish done to you
a nice little lullabye
something to help children sleep at night
disempower the boogie man
delusion for the win
delusion can’t last forever
and sooner or later it’s not enough
sooner or later there needs to be answers
not neat little answers to make it all ok
dark, terrifying answers
which bring actions just as bad
it’s right to fear them
there’s no going back once you give into them
there’s no saying sorry, not even regret
afterall they’re justified
justice itself comes at a price though
one i’m not ready for
maybe i’ll never be ready
maybe it’s the new delusion
but it suits for now
the pieces fit
it doesn’t bring peace
it doesn’t fill the gap
but it gives promise
a glimmer of hope
ineloquent hope
but hope all the same
26-06-08 – Learn to Live
February 5, 2009
it all started with a kiss
based upon a lie
smitten in an instant
taken by the promise of everything i’d dreamed of
dreams i knew would never come true
taken captive by them when they did
i wasn’t ready
i wasn’t prepared
like shooting fish in a barrel
take what you want, give a little in return
make it look good
say enough to make it feel real
meet your needs while denying mine
make me feel guilty for even having any
always the perfect excuse to fall back on
insecurity
past pains
woe is you and fuck me
the way it was always meant to be
a relationship based on need
nothing less, nothing more
it’s days numbered from the start
no real meaning
no real desire
just an inkling
the merest hint
to keep things rolling along
to keep the dream ‘real’
it’s easy to fall for when you have nothing to compare it to
i guess you got what you wanted
got what you needed
then your needs got greater
time to move on
time to move up
leave behind what was and find what will be
not that easy for the one left behind
still clinging to the dream
unable to see anything else
wanting only things that can’t be
needing something that probably never was
it’s a fucked up place to be
it needs fucked up reasoning to get out of
i’m not even sure there is a get out
maybe there doesn’t need to be
maybe we never get out of the past
just learn to live with it
learn to live around it
learn to live in spite of it
learn to live
26-06-08 – Justification
February 5, 2009
It would be so easy to justify any outcome
any outcome that may or may not be right
may or may not help
the mind is a powerful thing
but through pain
through time
through understanding of yourself
you find ways to trick it
find ways to believe in the face of no evidence
ways to see, to help dampen the pain
ways to be, to help bring strength and survival
it would be so easy to just go for glory
mete out punishment on all who deserve it
mete out retribution on those who have wronged
everything comes at a price, though
it would be a big sacrifice
one i’m not quite ready to pay, yet
one day, i’m sure, one day
it’ll be so easy
and so right
justice served
everything made right
one day, i’m sure, one day.
24-06-08 – Time is a Healer
February 5, 2009
they say time is a great healer
they lie through their arses
tell you what you wanna hear
even when you don’t know it’s what you want to hear
even when you don’t believe it
even when you don’t like it
years pass
images still burn
thoughts still churn
heart still sinks
mind still flails
the burden of being alive
the burden of forgiveness, incomplete
no real answers
no easy fix
start it all again
it’ll just take time
one day, some way, one day
like a virus, replicating itself
realization, truth, repeat
18-06-08 – Innocence Dying
February 5, 2009
his innocence lays broken at the side of the road
regretful of choices made
spent so much time trying to help everyone else
that he didn’t realise it was him who needed helping
until it was all too late
now as he lies in a puddle of his own blood
he can’t help but feel he missed out
maybe if he’d known the rules
maybe if he’d understood the game
maybe if he’d stopped to watch and listen to himself
or at least stopped long enough to appreciate himself
and give himself worth, respect
maybe then he wouldn’t have let her dominate
maybe then he wouldn’t have let her hold the reigns
maybe, just maybe, things would have been different
regrets, i’ve had a few, too fucking many to mention
time for a new start
your death won’t be the end
it’s the beginning
the beginning of something new
something real
something that’s meant to be
the birth of me
18-06-08 – Crutch
February 5, 2009
everyone needs a crutch
sometihng to rely on
something to cling to in the early hours
be it a bottle of vodka
a bag of powder
the love of your life
or a delusional hope that everything will be ok
i have my own crutch
something i rely on
the world isn’t a fairytale
there are no happy answers
everything won’t be ok tomorrow
after a good nights sleep or after time has healed the pain
hurt remains forever
no matter how much you push it away
stamp it down with promises of what might be
it’ll always be there, ready to pounce
it’s easy to feel strong when life is good
it’s easy to feel good when you feel strong
the real test comes when things aren’t going to plan
it’s in those times the hurt raises it’s ugly head
pulls you back down, stamps on you
fearing those moments and dreading their power
that’s not strength
hiding the fear with delusions of self
that’s not a crutch you can rely on
avoiding the truth only hurts more
every time you fall
facing the pain still hurts
but it brings acceptance
acceptance stems the flow
it’s not a magic potion that makes the pain go away
but it lessens it’s effects
like a painkiller doesn’t kill the tumour
it dampens the senses to the pain the tumour causes
that’s my crutch
my senses are dampened
i know life can be cruel
i know people can’t be relied on
i know i can’t even rely on myself
i know there are no pretty answers that make everything ok
i know there’s no such thing as karma
i know the war is over and the good guys lost
but every day i wake up, i care less
i find what i need to be ok, today
if i don’t find it today, i try again tomorrow
some days it works, some days it doesn’t
but it’s real
i don’t have to fear tomorrow
i don’t have to fear myself
acceptance is my crutch
23-05-08 – Romeo & Juliet
February 5, 2009
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou promises
the ideals you embody, romance, purity of love
was it all some little story based on nothing more than imagination?
did mankind ever possess the tools to make it real
or are we all too selfish
needy and unfulfilled
are we too damaged from trying so hard to find it
each time losing a part of ourselves
each time moving further and further away from our goals
our hearts desire, our dreams
does anyone really have a chance of finding it?
experience brings pain, barriers
the innocent become fodder
innocence lost to someone stronger, wiser
who was once innocent themselves
if the blind led the blind it might work
both filled with naivity, hope
no cynicism to dirty the waters
no suspicions to distort the beauty
no fear to infect all that is right
could it really work?
probably not
it’s easier to be a cynic when the world around you begs for it
it’s easier to be suspicous when the people around you require it
it’s easier to fear when you’re very survival depends on it
sooner or later these things possess us
eating at everything in their way
like a hungry cancer, difficult to treat
sooner or later
hope is a memory
a nice one, but not very relevant
something to dream about, before your logic catches up
remind yourself how joy felt
before reality and fact get in the way
Juliet, Juliet, dead but not forgotten
well not always.
22-05-08 – It’s a Shame
February 5, 2009
A taste so sweet, unmatched
a sight so divine, a real catch
a feeling so deep, strong
shame it didn’t last, not for long
like sailing on a calm sea
surrounded by peace, harmony
like flying among angels, held up by their wings
able to hear the birds and the songs that they sing
in knowledge so content, secure
in thought so innocent, pure
in emotion so special, ecstatic
shame it didn’t last, pathetic
like sobering up the morning after
paying the price for the night before
like failing something you wanted so much
falling to your knees, life is such
realizing the taste wasn’t always that sweet, sour
realizing the sight wasn’t always that divine, hypnotizing power
realizing the feeling being returned wasn’t that deep or strong, pain
shame it ever happened, sane?
like looking back on something that could have been
could have been much better it would seem
like thinking back to something i want again
realizing it came at the price of pain
remembering the aftermath, painful reminiscing
remembering my worth through someone elses eyes, missing
remembering how it felt to be abandoned, destroyed
shame i didn’t find something better, void
It’s a shame i was so trusting, vulnerable
It’s a shame i was so hopeful, errable
It’s a shame i was so forgiving, no longer
No longer forgiving, it’s a shame no longer.
20-05-08 – Evolution of Thought
February 5, 2009
would it be right to mete out punishment that you once received?
knowing of it’s damage and ability to deceive.
does it even matter if it’s right or wrong?
knowing how it damages the ability to believe.
would it be right to allow someone to trust?
knowing how damaged you are.
would it make things right (justification)?
knowing the damage the same thing caused you.
is it really a world of dog eats dog?
where damage is the only way.
or is it a case of being a cunt?
to dull the damage already being felt.
Damage makes the world go round.
It lends a sense of justice to thoughts that were once brushed aside.
It allows something within you to flourish
something that was once frowned upon
a part of you that once brought shame
now there is no shame (or pain)
the surroundings have changed
the rules changed with it
some people eat to survive, even if it’s taboo
even if it’s the flesh of someone that once sat next to you
when surroundings change and you feel you have to survive
you reach deeper within yourself to find an answer
sometimes the answers are bitter to the taste
sometimes you can see they come at an awful price
but because that will to survive is so strong
you’ll accept them anyway
at first you fool yourself into believing it’s a price worth paying
maybe even rely on the end justifying the means
but sooner or later you begin to see the damage it has done
you start to see there’s no going back
worse still there’s no desire to go back
It’s a sad day when you realise the part of you that once was frowned upon
is calling all the shots and pulling none of it’s punches
it’s sadder still (i suppose) when the desire to frown doesn’t even show
when it becomes acceptable
hell, when it becomes enjoyable
when all ideas of right and wrong become confused
when the things that once raised a smile become the things to invoke a frown
everything turned upside down
survival has a lot to answer for
evolution doesn’t always give the best answers
just the best answers for that particular moment in time
for that particular surrounding
for that particular crime
20-05-08 – Transformation
February 5, 2009
tooled up and ready to go
eyes cold and unflinching
mind focused and sharp
you don’t mean a fuck to me
your existence is merely so
you don’t have feelings
you don’t even have a soul
now that i’ve got my justification
it’s time to make it so
conscience buried deep in shit
responsibility on hold
i’m gonna fucking destroy you
take the victory for the gold
seems like a long time ago now
when my hands were raised for the win
you lost the battle but gained all the same
as i empowered and brought anger
where before there existed only pain
i took your shame and turned it into hate
i took your forgiveness and turned it into righteous indnignation
i took you and turned it into me
I gave you strength where there was none
i gave you pride for things there should be no pride in
i gave you me, where once before was you
trust in me when all else fails
fail through me, when all else trusts
20-05-08 – Battlefield Without Responsibility
February 5, 2009
an unjust world
where nothing really makes sense
no rhyme, no reason
everyone just competing to be the least fucked up
kick someone in the throat before they pull your hair
leave them dying in the street
move on to the next challenge
no time to think about what you’ve done
who you’ve hurt and what you’ve become
no care for pain you’ve caused
pain you’ve felt and pain that’s yet to come
the moment you stop to wonder
is the moment you let your guard down
leave yourself exposed and pay a hefty price
just keep moving
ducking and diving
manipulate, conniving
anything is better than nothing
moments become hours, hours become days
days become weeks and weeks turn into years
losing track comes easy when you’re desperate to forget
desperate to avoid the reality of what it all means
desperate to avoid yourself and how far you’ve let it go
conscience must be nice for those who can afford it
it must be nice to feel so free and in control
to want to be better and genuinely care
seeing others as equals, real
instead of as soldiers, locked in a battle of your making
justification comes easy, when pain is what you know
in a world where no-one matters, least of all yourself
everyone should get what they deserve
karma for the masses, retribution for pain caused
but we’re all just soldiers, fighting for a cause
each of us pained once before, at someone elses hand
none of us are innocent, every one of us are damned
no time to stop and think
wonder how it all became
wonder who hurt first or who deserved, or for that matter who did not
a moment spent helping the wounded leads to a lifetime of regret
the wounded lash out when least expected
the wounded know the score
the wounded once were victims, helpers in a time long before
they reached out to help someone too, now they bear the scars
now they lie in waiting, seeking revenge
seeking retribution, on anyone who’ll show
revenge is a dish best served
long after the fact, on a different person
from the one who earlier attacked
it’s easier to kill the weak, than face what once destroyed you
easier still to justify it, when you still feel destroyed
the abuser continues to abuse, getting stronger
the abused becomes the abuser, the death of what once was
the line between good and bad ends up being the loser
all’s fair in love and war
everything justified, responsibility lost
be who you want, do what you will
no time to stop and think
what you’d find would make you think
make you question your actions
make you re-live the past
and the actions of others which brought you here
better to hurt than be hurt
better to kill than be killed
so on and on we go
dulling the senses and with it ourselves
until no-one is left
dessolation and emptiness
darkness lays claim to it’s prize
the prize is past caring anyway
for ever and ever, amen.
16-05-08 – Long Gone
February 5, 2009
Do you remember the hours we’d spend
you’d tell me your problems and i’d try to mend
i’d listen for hours without a word
i’d listen as a lover but more as a friend
you had your problems, i was young
no real baggage of my own
helped you to laugh when you wanted to cry
helped you feel love where once there was none
now i’ve grown up and i’m no longer young
i have baggage of my own
<!–more–>
but there’s no-one there to listen
i’m too damaged to even listen on my own
you took what you could get
fucked off quick and learned to forget
caring not about what you left behind
caring not for what was once a friend
now the shoe is on the other foot
you got healing and i became you
there’s no-one around to help
no-one there to help me through
i hate you because you abandoned me
i love you because i can’t forget that easily
i hate me because i let you do it
i love me because i miss me
i hate everything because you left me with nothing
i hate nothing because it’s all i have
i hate therefore i am
maybe i hate because i am
you stole my identity, stole what was me
fed from me like a leech then fucked off, full
unjust, unfair and fucking frustrating
that i get to pay for your mistakes
i gave it all and got nothing back
it didn’t matter when i was obsessed with you
my every thought and deed dedicated to you
when you fucked off i became aware
had my eyes opened to an empty hole
my worth, through your eyes
fuck all to see here, prioritize
i wish you well, happiness and fullfillment
when hell freezes over and i don’t hate
do unto others that which you wish done unto yourself
like a fool i believed
maybe if i had a stronger character i’d respect the fact i gave anyway
regardless of how much you deserved it
or how much it hurt when you weren’t there to return the favour
maybe i’d be proud of myself for being true and just
maybe i’d be a fucking fool
life is a struggle
good versus bad
man versus man
the weak get trampled while the strong buy bigger shoes
my boots are ready and i’m not pulling any punches
only the innocent shall truly survive
i won’t survive, you took away my innocence
you raped my mind, my heart and my soul
you raped the part of me that made me special
the part of me that helped you
you bit the hand that fed you
i offered you the other hand
i aided and abetted your murder
foolish and naive
easily led and bringing about my own doom
you probably don’t remember
i don’t remember fully myself
i try to forget
i still remember too much
you’ve probably moved on
onward and upward
probably never spend a minute wondering
wondering what became of a person you once loved
did you really love that person?
i did
i never knew it at the time
i took me for granted
but now i realise what i’m missing
i realise what’s lost
i was there for you
in your hardest times
in your darkest hours
the early hours of the morning or anytime you needed
i was there for you
i gave what i had, what i could
now i have those same needs and you’re not there
it’s not fair
you’re not there
neither am i
no-one is there
just some empty shell
a monument to what once was
a monument to it’s death
a monument to what will never again be
a monument to me
13-05-08 – I Am
February 5, 2009
I am what i am
fuck knows what that is though
don’t expect answers, understanding
be thankful i am at all
maybe one day i’ll understand more
maybe one day i’ll BE more
hell maybe one day i’ll even WANT to be more
but, for now i’m too busy
i need to get to tomorrow
maybe then i can rest a little and find some time to search
search for someone i lost along the way
someone i liked, respected, appreciate, now
someone i’ll never be again
