No Longer. (update of It’s a Shame)
February 5, 2009
A taste so sweet: unmatched.
A sight so divine: a real catch.
A feeling so deep: strong.
Shame it didn’t last; Not for long.
26-06-08 – Justification
February 5, 2009
It would be so easy to justify any outcome
any outcome that may or may not be right
may or may not help
the mind is a powerful thing
but through pain
through time
through understanding of yourself
you find ways to trick it
find ways to believe in the face of no evidence
ways to see, to help dampen the pain
ways to be, to help bring strength and survival
it would be so easy to just go for glory
mete out punishment on all who deserve it
mete out retribution on those who have wronged
everything comes at a price, though
it would be a big sacrifice
one i’m not quite ready to pay, yet
one day, i’m sure, one day
it’ll be so easy
and so right
justice served
everything made right
one day, i’m sure, one day.
24-06-08 – Time is a Healer
February 5, 2009
they say time is a great healer
they lie through their arses
tell you what you wanna hear
even when you don’t know it’s what you want to hear
even when you don’t believe it
even when you don’t like it
years pass
images still burn
thoughts still churn
heart still sinks
mind still flails
the burden of being alive
the burden of forgiveness, incomplete
no real answers
no easy fix
start it all again
it’ll just take time
one day, some way, one day
like a virus, replicating itself
realization, truth, repeat
18-06-08 – Crutch
February 5, 2009
everyone needs a crutch
sometihng to rely on
something to cling to in the early hours
be it a bottle of vodka
a bag of powder
the love of your life
or a delusional hope that everything will be ok
i have my own crutch
something i rely on
the world isn’t a fairytale
there are no happy answers
everything won’t be ok tomorrow
after a good nights sleep or after time has healed the pain
hurt remains forever
no matter how much you push it away
stamp it down with promises of what might be
it’ll always be there, ready to pounce
it’s easy to feel strong when life is good
it’s easy to feel good when you feel strong
the real test comes when things aren’t going to plan
it’s in those times the hurt raises it’s ugly head
pulls you back down, stamps on you
fearing those moments and dreading their power
that’s not strength
hiding the fear with delusions of self
that’s not a crutch you can rely on
avoiding the truth only hurts more
every time you fall
facing the pain still hurts
but it brings acceptance
acceptance stems the flow
it’s not a magic potion that makes the pain go away
but it lessens it’s effects
like a painkiller doesn’t kill the tumour
it dampens the senses to the pain the tumour causes
that’s my crutch
my senses are dampened
i know life can be cruel
i know people can’t be relied on
i know i can’t even rely on myself
i know there are no pretty answers that make everything ok
i know there’s no such thing as karma
i know the war is over and the good guys lost
but every day i wake up, i care less
i find what i need to be ok, today
if i don’t find it today, i try again tomorrow
some days it works, some days it doesn’t
but it’s real
i don’t have to fear tomorrow
i don’t have to fear myself
acceptance is my crutch
23-05-08 – Romeo & Juliet
February 5, 2009
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou promises
the ideals you embody, romance, purity of love
was it all some little story based on nothing more than imagination?
did mankind ever possess the tools to make it real
or are we all too selfish
needy and unfulfilled
are we too damaged from trying so hard to find it
each time losing a part of ourselves
each time moving further and further away from our goals
our hearts desire, our dreams
does anyone really have a chance of finding it?
experience brings pain, barriers
the innocent become fodder
innocence lost to someone stronger, wiser
who was once innocent themselves
if the blind led the blind it might work
both filled with naivity, hope
no cynicism to dirty the waters
no suspicions to distort the beauty
no fear to infect all that is right
could it really work?
probably not
it’s easier to be a cynic when the world around you begs for it
it’s easier to be suspicous when the people around you require it
it’s easier to fear when you’re very survival depends on it
sooner or later these things possess us
eating at everything in their way
like a hungry cancer, difficult to treat
sooner or later
hope is a memory
a nice one, but not very relevant
something to dream about, before your logic catches up
remind yourself how joy felt
before reality and fact get in the way
Juliet, Juliet, dead but not forgotten
well not always.
22-05-08 – It’s a Shame
February 5, 2009
A taste so sweet, unmatched
a sight so divine, a real catch
a feeling so deep, strong
shame it didn’t last, not for long
like sailing on a calm sea
surrounded by peace, harmony
like flying among angels, held up by their wings
able to hear the birds and the songs that they sing
in knowledge so content, secure
in thought so innocent, pure
in emotion so special, ecstatic
shame it didn’t last, pathetic
like sobering up the morning after
paying the price for the night before
like failing something you wanted so much
falling to your knees, life is such
realizing the taste wasn’t always that sweet, sour
realizing the sight wasn’t always that divine, hypnotizing power
realizing the feeling being returned wasn’t that deep or strong, pain
shame it ever happened, sane?
like looking back on something that could have been
could have been much better it would seem
like thinking back to something i want again
realizing it came at the price of pain
remembering the aftermath, painful reminiscing
remembering my worth through someone elses eyes, missing
remembering how it felt to be abandoned, destroyed
shame i didn’t find something better, void
It’s a shame i was so trusting, vulnerable
It’s a shame i was so hopeful, errable
It’s a shame i was so forgiving, no longer
No longer forgiving, it’s a shame no longer.
20-05-08 – Evolution of Thought
February 5, 2009
would it be right to mete out punishment that you once received?
knowing of it’s damage and ability to deceive.
does it even matter if it’s right or wrong?
knowing how it damages the ability to believe.
would it be right to allow someone to trust?
knowing how damaged you are.
would it make things right (justification)?
knowing the damage the same thing caused you.
is it really a world of dog eats dog?
where damage is the only way.
or is it a case of being a cunt?
to dull the damage already being felt.
Damage makes the world go round.
It lends a sense of justice to thoughts that were once brushed aside.
It allows something within you to flourish
something that was once frowned upon
a part of you that once brought shame
now there is no shame (or pain)
the surroundings have changed
the rules changed with it
some people eat to survive, even if it’s taboo
even if it’s the flesh of someone that once sat next to you
when surroundings change and you feel you have to survive
you reach deeper within yourself to find an answer
sometimes the answers are bitter to the taste
sometimes you can see they come at an awful price
but because that will to survive is so strong
you’ll accept them anyway
at first you fool yourself into believing it’s a price worth paying
maybe even rely on the end justifying the means
but sooner or later you begin to see the damage it has done
you start to see there’s no going back
worse still there’s no desire to go back
It’s a sad day when you realise the part of you that once was frowned upon
is calling all the shots and pulling none of it’s punches
it’s sadder still (i suppose) when the desire to frown doesn’t even show
when it becomes acceptable
hell, when it becomes enjoyable
when all ideas of right and wrong become confused
when the things that once raised a smile become the things to invoke a frown
everything turned upside down
survival has a lot to answer for
evolution doesn’t always give the best answers
just the best answers for that particular moment in time
for that particular surrounding
for that particular crime
16-05-08 – Long Gone
February 5, 2009
Do you remember the hours we’d spend
you’d tell me your problems and i’d try to mend
i’d listen for hours without a word
i’d listen as a lover but more as a friend
you had your problems, i was young
no real baggage of my own
helped you to laugh when you wanted to cry
helped you feel love where once there was none
now i’ve grown up and i’m no longer young
i have baggage of my own
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but there’s no-one there to listen
i’m too damaged to even listen on my own
you took what you could get
fucked off quick and learned to forget
caring not about what you left behind
caring not for what was once a friend
now the shoe is on the other foot
you got healing and i became you
there’s no-one around to help
no-one there to help me through
i hate you because you abandoned me
i love you because i can’t forget that easily
i hate me because i let you do it
i love me because i miss me
i hate everything because you left me with nothing
i hate nothing because it’s all i have
i hate therefore i am
maybe i hate because i am
you stole my identity, stole what was me
fed from me like a leech then fucked off, full
unjust, unfair and fucking frustrating
that i get to pay for your mistakes
i gave it all and got nothing back
it didn’t matter when i was obsessed with you
my every thought and deed dedicated to you
when you fucked off i became aware
had my eyes opened to an empty hole
my worth, through your eyes
fuck all to see here, prioritize
i wish you well, happiness and fullfillment
when hell freezes over and i don’t hate
do unto others that which you wish done unto yourself
like a fool i believed
maybe if i had a stronger character i’d respect the fact i gave anyway
regardless of how much you deserved it
or how much it hurt when you weren’t there to return the favour
maybe i’d be proud of myself for being true and just
maybe i’d be a fucking fool
life is a struggle
good versus bad
man versus man
the weak get trampled while the strong buy bigger shoes
my boots are ready and i’m not pulling any punches
only the innocent shall truly survive
i won’t survive, you took away my innocence
you raped my mind, my heart and my soul
you raped the part of me that made me special
the part of me that helped you
you bit the hand that fed you
i offered you the other hand
i aided and abetted your murder
foolish and naive
easily led and bringing about my own doom
you probably don’t remember
i don’t remember fully myself
i try to forget
i still remember too much
you’ve probably moved on
onward and upward
probably never spend a minute wondering
wondering what became of a person you once loved
did you really love that person?
i did
i never knew it at the time
i took me for granted
but now i realise what i’m missing
i realise what’s lost
i was there for you
in your hardest times
in your darkest hours
the early hours of the morning or anytime you needed
i was there for you
i gave what i had, what i could
now i have those same needs and you’re not there
it’s not fair
you’re not there
neither am i
no-one is there
just some empty shell
a monument to what once was
a monument to it’s death
a monument to what will never again be
a monument to me
13-05-08 – I Remember
February 5, 2009
I remember when i’d smile and mean it
when i’d laugh and actually feel it
there were bad days and good
the bad days weren’t so bad
i had coping mechanisms
i could cheer myself up
everything seemed good again
I remember when my thoughts meant something
i was proud of my imagination and intelligence
i wasn’t afraid of memories and rememberance
i wasn’t afraid to think of the future
i wasn’t afraid to think
I remember when emotion made me feel alive
tears cleansed me
i wasn’t afraid to express myself
i wasn’t afraid to feel, to be me
I remember when love was real
naivity, innocence, belief, just add water and stir
I can’t remember the feeling
maybe i’m afraid to
no maybe about it
it’s best this way
I remember the pain when love stopped being real
13-05-13 – Want
February 5, 2009
I used to want so many things
eyes wide open, heart and mind hungry and eager
wanting is so relaxed
time to kill
time to enjoy the results, when they came
now i find myself needing things
there’s no time to sit and relax
if i don’t get what i need i’m fucked
if i do get what i need i go another day
there’s no enjoyment in that
no time to survey my kingdom
no kingdom to survey
if my body is a temple then my soul is an abandoned warehouse full of immigrants
my thoughts, dreams, desires are all foregin to me
they aren’t really me
they’ve grown up out of panic, fear, disillusionment and desperation
like weeds that have killed off the previous tennants
even the insects won’t go near these weeds
yet some sort of fucked up logic makes them appealing
even worse i sometimes find them comforting
am i trying to impress myself and be ‘cool’?
bit of a fucking price to pay if i am
it’d be nice to just be dull and uninteresting
if i could just crack a smile and believe it
if i could laugh and feel it
i’m off to see the wizrd, he’ll give me my heart back
follow the yellow brick road
this is where the dreams of the past have been pissed on
13-05-08 – Hope
February 5, 2009
i remember a time when hope was what got me through
seems like a long time ago now
it was based on faith, innocence, naivity
now the only hope i have is based on desperation
a desperate desire for things to change
for me to change, go back to how it was
surely i haven’t gone forever
maybe i’m hiding around the corner
a gut felt laugh and a heart felt emotion will signify my return
maybe all this will seem like a bad dream on that day
i’ll wake up and think things are going to be ok, again
i wish i was naive enough to believe that
i wish i was dumb enough not to understand why it can’t be so
i wish for more wishes
13-05-08 – Even more rambling
February 5, 2009
This disease flows in my veins
pulses with every heartbeat
rapes every thought and eats at me like cancer
the pain clouds my judgement
hides my true feelings
makes it impossible to recognize myself anymore
each smile is two faced
the second face hidden but felt
cold, calculated and selfish
the will to survive is calling all the shots
innocence and enjoyment don’t have a place anymore
they were never that much use anyway
cynicism and realism are the special of the day
airtight barriers work both ways
nothing gets in and nothing gets out
yesterday, today and tomorrow don’t change
half the time i can’t remember what day it is
not that it really matters
another one down, however many to go
why is everything so fucking complicated?
just when i think i have an answer
the question changes or i realise i forgot to carry the one
i’m sure i remember life being easier than this
i’m sure i remember me being easier than this
09-05-08 – More Rambling
February 4, 2009
young at heart with so many tomorrows
so many dreams and promises paved the way
enough innocence to put a bounce in my step
it seemed i had all the answers
even to questions i hadn’t yet asked
content in my own naivity
ignorant of what was to come
unprepared and unreserved
not really any challenge at all
today i find myself missing
i’m nowhere to be found
lost along the way, forgotten
the memories have faded already
of what i was and what i had
confusion, dellusion, who knows
i’m just making it up as i go along now
hoping to find the right track
find myself waiting
find myself wanting
never really finding out what for
maybe i’m afraid to know
i’m tired of struggling tired of trying to make sense of it all
maybe there isn’t any sense to be had things happen and you move on
every day changes and yesterday moves farther away as tomorrow gets closer
