13-05-08 – Even more rambling
February 5, 2009
This disease flows in my veins
pulses with every heartbeat
rapes every thought and eats at me like cancer
the pain clouds my judgement
hides my true feelings
makes it impossible to recognize myself anymore
each smile is two faced
the second face hidden but felt
cold, calculated and selfish
the will to survive is calling all the shots
innocence and enjoyment don’t have a place anymore
they were never that much use anyway
cynicism and realism are the special of the day
airtight barriers work both ways
nothing gets in and nothing gets out
yesterday, today and tomorrow don’t change
half the time i can’t remember what day it is
not that it really matters
another one down, however many to go
why is everything so fucking complicated?
just when i think i have an answer
the question changes or i realise i forgot to carry the one
i’m sure i remember life being easier than this
i’m sure i remember me being easier than this
09-05-08 – More Rambling
February 4, 2009
young at heart with so many tomorrows
so many dreams and promises paved the way
enough innocence to put a bounce in my step
it seemed i had all the answers
even to questions i hadn’t yet asked
content in my own naivity
ignorant of what was to come
unprepared and unreserved
not really any challenge at all
today i find myself missing
i’m nowhere to be found
lost along the way, forgotten
the memories have faded already
of what i was and what i had
confusion, dellusion, who knows
i’m just making it up as i go along now
hoping to find the right track
find myself waiting
find myself wanting
never really finding out what for
maybe i’m afraid to know
i’m tired of struggling tired of trying to make sense of it all
maybe there isn’t any sense to be had things happen and you move on
every day changes and yesterday moves farther away as tomorrow gets closer
09-05-08 – Rambling
February 4, 2009
a part of me left behind
might as well be dead (to me)
can’t go back and rescue what i once had
shouldn’t waste time on what i could have been
yesterday is forever dead
today is nearly over
tomorrow seems a long way off
finding myself in a dark room
there are windows but i can’t find them
or maybe i don’t want to find them
not sure i want to see what lies beyond them
not sure i want to be what lies beyond them
there’s a certain comfort in being numb
it slows things down
makes it easier to keep things in check
i can see all there is to see
i can be all there is to me
independence the hard way
self reliance is a hard day
resting in sombre moments
sleeping or laying dormant when needed
not sure who or what i am anymore
finding a different angle each day
a different way of seeing things
a different way of being
one of them is bound to be right for me
one of them is bound to be me
evolving to survive
only the strongest make it through
maybe i’ve already lost but haven’t admitted it to myself
but what the hell, there’s a game to be played
scores to be notched
kicks to be had
guess it’s never really over, even after it’s lost.
beginning and end
muddled
not really sure where they are
i used to
i used to know so much more about everything
i used to believe
i used to see
i used to feel and be free
